As I write this,
the new school year is now underway, and for the first time, both of
my kids are in school. While I am really proud of the independent,
cool kids they are becoming, I can’t help but feel a bit of sadness
that they are growing up so fast, and are starting to have a life outside
of my arms. Alex is now a Big First Grader. It's
his first year of full-day school, so it is really a monumental change—for
both of us. Cassie just started pre-school, and seems to thoroughly
enjoy it. She happily gives me all the details of her day, and
even sings me the songs she has learned—so darn adorable! I
find myself wanting to absorb every single detail, since Alex still
holds out on me when it comes to telling me about his day.
It gets me thinking—is their difference in communication a matter
of gender…of birth order… or is it just how they are hard-wired?
Honestly, I think it’s some combination of all these things.
This year, I am
driving the kids to school, rather than having them take the bus, as
Alex did last year—one of the best decisions I ever made! Since
he doesn't have to get on the bus when he comes out, Alex gets to
play on the playground after school—a chance to build relationships
with other kids. (Meanwhile, Cassie is honing her monkey bar skills—simultaneously
scaring and impressing everyone around her!) Now that I am waiting
outside of his school when Alex comes out, I have the opportunity to
chat with his teachers more often, as well as with other parents.
It didn't take me long to learn to get to know the moms of the
girls in Alex's class. Most, like Cassie, actually
TELL their parents what they're doing—this gives me some conversation
starters with my own son. I was thrilled to hear from his teacher
that Alex loves to participate and is always raising his hand to answer
questions…that if there is a spare moment, he grabs books to read…and
that he is doing very well in math. This is a far cry from the
impression Alex paints for me: "I don’t want to go to school
today-it’s boring…I don’t like anything we’re doing in there". Hmm… he is either trying to throw me off the scent or can’t get
excited until he is IN the moment. So…between talking to his
teachers and other parents, I feel like I have my Spy Network all set
up!
So what's with
my obsession of needing to know all the details? Besides
being a type A personality, I believe that if I work hard at
having good, open communications with my children, it could really pay
off in the long run. I want my kids to know that they can—and
should—talk to me about anything… that I will be there for them…that
while I may not always give them the answers, I will do my best
to guide them. But there is also this: perhaps, I want to
know what's going on because we are an adoptive family, and I am hyper-sensitive
to anything that might trigger questions of identity or feelings of
insecurity in my children. I want to help my children navigate
classroom projects, innocent questions, and playground banter with dignity.
So, in theory,
I know what I want to accomplish, but how do I
do it? For me, I get my best ideas by talking to other parents—in
particular, other adoptive parents. I also love reading Adoptive
Families magazine…every issue has pearls of wisdom. Parenting
seminars are another terrific tool. By the time this issue comes
out, I will have attended CAFFA's workshop on Parenting with Love
& Logic; the speaker, Kelvin Gott, is always so great at our
conferences, and I consistently walk away armed with new ideas.
Those of you looking for further resources may want to consider attending
the Midwest Adoption Conference (www.midwestadoption.org) being held on November 1st
in Deerfield, IL. Like CAFFA's bi-annual Parenting Through
Adoption
conference, it has many great workshops, presenters and
exhibitors.
I will draw the
line at actually hanging upside down on the monkey bars next
to my kids…much to everyone’s relief! Beyond that though,
I believe there is no such thing as getting too much information, especially
when it comes to matters of parenting and communicating with our kids.